


Options

by MorePeanutsPlease



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Angst, Colin POV, Dubious Consent, Eventual Explicit Content, Fluff, M/M, graphic depictions of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:55:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26186023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorePeanutsPlease/pseuds/MorePeanutsPlease
Summary: "Stefan was a change. A new face in a constant pattern. It had only happened a few times before, a different clerk at the store or a different intern getting coffee, but Stefan was the first one that took an interest in me. He was a fan actually."
Relationships: Stefan Butler/Colin Ritman
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Options

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously don't read if graphic depictions of suicide are a triggering topic for you. Only read if you are comfortable. Last warning.

There were just days where I needed a change of any kind. Hearing the same words repeated over and over, seeing the same gray walls and streets over and over. Something would have to give. It wouldn’t be me. 

Stefan was a change. A new face in a constant pattern. It had only happened a few times before, a different clerk at the store or a different intern getting coffee, but Stefan was the first one that took an interest in me. He was a fan actually. 

My whole existence up until this point was following the same repetitions, subconsciously knowing I had been there before…and something inside of me knew that Stefan had felt the same way. 

The only time I could so vividly see my path was while I had myself looking through the lens of some chemical. I would see the closing of the game studio, me and Kit going on middle age, Kit convincing me to take on a tech support job, growing old in a much smaller house, and dying in my bed from a heart attack. Upon getting these visions, I would usually consider running, breaking the loop, only to realize I had done that as well, hundreds of times.

Stefan was different. For the first time I couldn’t see what path I was walking down. When he was around I found myself actually listening, wondering where it was all going. Following him lead down a path where I die at his hand, instead of just waiting out the clock. 

In a way he gave me freedom. 

“We’ve met before,” I remind him, but Stefan doesn’t react like the others. There’s a bit of fear when he shakes his head, not the usual laugh and awkward smile that I had become accustomed to with others, “We have. I told you I would see you around. And I was right."

Stefan was scared. But he knew more and more with each moment of sweet release. I had become addicted to it. Another choice had arrived, more than just jump or run out the clock. Finally I had a third option: submit. The wonderful thing about it was that I could see Stefan remembered my choice as well. Sure he was terrified of what he was capable of, but I couldn’t help but let it fascinate me.

I would watch him make the same mistakes a couple of times as well, and like an addict being denied his fix I would resent him for it. I would try and remind him of what he is going to do, push him toward making the right choice, but he would still falter.

Then like a miracle, I would find myself at his doorstep. I would walk up to his room and find him holding the knife. A few times before I had let him use the stupid thing, but it took too long, Stefan would end up panicking mid way, and leave me to bleed out slowly. I found the best way to oblivion was to be hit with something first. Stefan seemed to remember this method as well, meeting me with no protest whenever I offered the alternative.

My life outside of Stefan remained painfully similar, worse now that I was destined to die young. I felt more stuck when I was up in my apartment, stuck in an infinitely more painful loop of Kit being stressed from work and child rearing, and of me being unable to entertain myself with anything other than narcotics.

I just wanted it to get to the good part. Day after day almost counting the minutes until Stefan would put me out of my misery. 

The times where Stefan wandered up into my apartment were a good sign that I would get my release. He was more susceptible to killing me once I showed him how easy it was to do so. But once again he found a way to surprise me.

“So, who's it going to be,” I said, praying he would choose me. Jumping always felt the same, nothing about it was special or as exciting the second or thirtieth time. 

Stefan was breathing hard, but his demeanor slowly shifted, as though he was snapping himself out of it. The answer was taking longer than expected and I was about to ask the question again when he piped up, “Neither.”

“Neither?” That was never one of the options. For the first time in a long time I didn’t know what to do next, “You have to choose one of us.”

“But this doesn’t really change anything,” Stefan didn’t sound as high anymore, “I mean, we’ll just come back.”

He was right, but that wasn’t the point. We didn’t have any form of release, any other form of freedom than this one choice to refresh. The how was something we could affect, and I had already chosen that I wanted another to pull me through to the other side.

“I’ll be seeing you around Stefan,” I stepped up onto the rails, and I could feel Stefan clawing at my shirt, but I was already jumping.

When I came back around Stefan was more zombified than before, a common symptom from this sort of thing. I wasn’t sure what it would take for him to break out of it.

Lucky for me, my medication was waiting on the other side of Stefan's front door. Although this time, upon answering, something about him had changed. I was going to walk in, but he forcefully held me in place. He didn’t speak, his head just hung, averting his eyes.

“You doing alright? Where’s Bandersnatch?” I asked, being rather impatient that he was still delaying my release.

“Why would you come here?” He was squeezing my shirt, I could hear the tremble in his voice, “Why… if you know what happens?”

“What happens?” I faked confusion knowing that if we stray too far we might end up at the beginning too soon.

“Don’t play fucking dumb!” He looked up at me, eyelashes clumped together from crying, “You know what happens if we go up there so why are you just letting this happen?!”

“Because…” I tried to find a way to say it that would still allow our relationship of murderer and victim to continue, “If I’m going to die, I’d like it to be at your hands instead of my own…”

“But what’s the point!? Shouldn’t we be allowed to choose something else!?” He was crying.

“I’ve tried… But I can’t stop it… So I want to at least enjoy it.”

Stefan shook his head in confusion, “Enjoy what?”

“Enjoy that I have someone else here with me,” I could see the knife in his hand.

“But I don’t want to finish this alone…” And that was the first time it really dawned on me, all of the timelines where Stefan had bashed my brains in or slit my throat he was forced to spend the rest of his days in a prison cell, probably dying behind bars. 

I found a better path, “You can jump with me…” He looked up at me, I liked him better full of life, even if he was crying, “I mean… if we are both in agreement here, we can just stop pretending we don’t remember and enjoy it together somehow.”

“But I’ve already killed my dad,” he noted so casually.

“I guess we need to restart then…”

Stefan nodded and I took the knife from his hand, “How’d you like to do this then?” I gestured the knife at my wrist, “We do each other or ourselves?”

“Each other, I guess,” He wiped his face, getting a little of his father’s blood on his cheek. It was nice hearing new ideas from him, and seeing his eyes light up after years of droning soulless Stefan.

I reached out for his arm and he gave it to me. I had pretty much mastered the main arteries in the wrist. I went quickly drawing a lot of blood, and Stefan winced only a little. I handed it off and pulled up my sleeve.

He reached out as though he were about to grab, but he did it so delicately, as though he had never touched me, which, by all accounts, I don’t think he ever has. He was more confused and slow trying to carve up an arm, making sort of a mess.

He looked up to see my grimacing face, “Sorry,” He actually fucking apologized. He was still holding my arm as I bled out in his doorway. It was only a matter of minutes before neither of us could stand anymore. 

I was so fixated on watching the blood drain from my arm I hadn’t noticed he had closed in on me. His face startled me, but I didn’t stop him from making our lips meet. He was so gentle about it that I almost felt it was a normal thing to do. It took a moment after he had pulled away for my heart to hammer in my chest.

“Sorry,” He said again, looking much more dizzy. He began to stumble a little before falling to his knees. I was still together, the cuts on my arm not working as quickly as I would like, so I sat down next to him. My brain was overloaded with questions that I knew Stefan wasn’t going to be able to answer in this state.

I looked back to see him gently closing his eyes, passing out before he ultimately restarted. I ran my hand over his face for the first time outside of my apartment. I didn’t know what to do honestly. I was more excited by the randomness of the kiss than by the fact that Stefan had just chosen to kill me in a whole new fashion.

“See you around,'' I said Before leaning my head against the door frame. Falling asleep like this would be the way to do it.

I was back again at my desk, the same line of code I had written millions of times in front of me. Thakur approached, pulling off my headphones.

“What’s this, Kaja goo goo?” He laughed.

I just looked up to Stefan who didn’t look zombified anymore, “Well that certainly did the trick now didn’t it?” I asked enthusiastically.

Stefan’s brows raised in confusion, the kind of expression I dreaded seeing in others. He'd forgotten… I tried to prod again, “We’ve met before.”

“No, sorry, I mean it’s a pleasure,” He reached out a hand.

I almost wanted to scream. I couldn’t help but let out some of that anger, “I’m busy,” I put back on my headphones and turned to my work.

“Sorry about that, you know how it is when you’re in the zone,” Thakur led him back into the office for Stefan to pitch Bandersnatch alone.

Nothing was more painful than starting at square one again. I felt more hopeless than I did before I met Stefan. I watched him walk out the other door, obviously having chosen to let Thakur control the game development and I was pissed. I wasn’t in the mood to be killing myself alone again.

I stood up from my chair and followed him to the elevator, something even I didn’t know I had in me. He looked nervous to be near me, it probably didn’t help that I was staring with an intensity that I only had when high.

When the doors opened I followed him in and immediately hit the first floor button. He continued to look at the floor while clinging onto his bag nervously, “I-I’m sorry I distracted you earlier-”

“You know it’s very fucking rude to make a death pact with someone, and then pretend you’ve never met them before,” I didn’t know any way to put it more bluntly.

Stefan looked up at me in shock, “I- what?”

“You are saying you don’t remember a fucking thing?”

“About what?”

“I remember Stefan, we said no more fucking around.”

“I don’t understand, I think you have me confused with someone else.”

“Really, Stefan Butler who lives with his prick of a dad, never smoked a blunt in his life, and has a Deus ex Machina poster on his bedroom wall?”

“What the fuck?” Stefan began to step back into the corner of the elevator.

“You are going to fucking hate the way this game turns out, only to try again and drive yourself so deep into the hole that you slice your dad into little pieces.”

Stefan looked genuinely terrified. The elevator doors opened, “Stay the fuck away from me,” He slipped out of the elevator before running off.

I rolled my eyes in frustration. I would just ride the elevator up to the top and throw myself off the building. 

When I came back, I remained level headed. Luckily Stefan chose to work alone on the game, and I was rewarded with an invitation to his mental breakdown. He answered and I pushed my way in. Up to the bedroom we went, and I looked over his work.

“You’ve gone right down the hole,” I state with relief. I look back to see him aiming the knife at me, but the excitement that I had always felt from the sight of the stupid thing wasn't there. This wasn’t an alternative anymore. It was a fucking chore, “Do you feel... at all... like we’ve been here before?”

Stefan grit his teeth, obviously deranged, “Shut up,” He said, raising the knife higher.

I leaned against his desk. I remembered the kiss… it was something out of the ordinary, and around here that means a lot. I was just too fucking fixated on this whole killing part to see it, “Have you ever thought about you and me?” Stefan looked confused, “What would you do if I kissed you right now?”

Stefan lowered the knife a little, his expression showed he was snapping out of it just a bit.

I decided to try it, what was the worst that could happen. He stabs me? I cupped his face and brought our lips together, and I could actually hear him sigh from relief. Was this what Stefan wanted?

I pulled back and for the first time I noticed how beautiful his eyes were, how soft his skin was, and how pink his lips were, “You don’t remember wanting to do that?”

“I killed my dad,” He said, the path still fighting to continue.

“I know,” I brushed the damp hair from his forehead.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Kiss me again,” I pressed.

Stefan definitely obliged. He didn’t seem like he had kissed anyone before, it was very tight lipped and gentle. It was interesting kissing someone other than Kit, someone who was unpredictable.

I tried to give him a little lesson, hoping it would stick for next time. I pulled his chin, and he allowed his mouth to open a little, letting me kiss deeper. He was so warm and soft feeling, and not at all what I was expecting… Well to be honest I never expected that I would be kissing another man. It was probably the last thing I expected, which made it all the more exciting.

When I pulled back I decided now was the time to break into new territory, “Are you interested in men Stefan?” 

His face was so red, and he almost looked like he would pass out, just from kissing. He shook his head, “I- I’m not sure, I’m not… I-” He was getting slightly defensive.

“I am totally fine with any answer, just be honest.”

“I am… I think…” He looked uncomfortable.

“Are you attracted to me?”

He looked away shyly, as though we hadn’t just kissed each other, “I think so,” He flicked his tongue against his teeth.

I almost couldn’t believe it. Out of every little discovery about Stefan this one flew completely under my radar, “So let’s say… If we were to start over, would you have let me kiss you on day one?”

Stefan smiled, really red now, “Yeah… Probably…” He almost laughed at himself.

“That is an interesting development,” I looked his face over again. He was undeniably attractive, and the thought that my murderer was simultaneously in love with me was an enthralling concept.

“Well I’ll be leaving you to it then,” I unhanded him and made my way out of his room. I could see the fear return to his face upon the realization of what he had done. It was a little cruel of me, but I knew he wouldn’t remember after I drove my car off a bridge.

“What’s this, Kaja goo goo?” Thakur repeated. I looked up to Stefan who was fresh face, and just really fucking gorgeous. 

“Stefan Butler,” I said with almost too much excitement. His face lit up with the realization that I knew his name.

“H-hi have we met before?!” He excitedly took my hand and shook it.

“Well yes and no, I saw your pitch,” I lied, but the excitement on his face made me all sorts of fuzzy inside.

“Well let's get it going then shall we,” Thakur gestured that I follow them.

Stefan pitched his game with gusto, knowing that I was already a supporter. It was embarrassing, but I couldn't help myself from finding it adorable. And then he declined the offer, which meant we were on for one hell of a ride together, knowing what I know now. 

“I think if too many people are involved it might get a little stressy,” He sounded unsure about that part still.

Before Thakur could even question him I chimed in, “He knows what he’s talking about, let him do it his way.”

“Alright, Alright,” Thakur could probably hear the half threat in my tone, “The most important thing is that we have it out by Christmas so shoot to finish it by September twelfth,” Stefan nods, they shake hands and Thakur leaves Stefan to clear out his stuff.

I watch from the table. I’m not sure how to approach this, now my stupid nerves are in a fritz, and it’s intoxicating being so unsure of what’s next.

“Look’s amazing,” I praise him, because what I do know is that Stefan practically melts with praise.

“Thank you,” He says all jittery as he picks up his jacket.

I approach him slowly, “You seem nervous,” I tease him. 

“No um... really excited actually,” He looks up at me with those beautiful eyes, they really do look nice, I’ve studied them loads of times but never really looked at them before, “I’ve always wanted to work with you,” He admits with a nervous laugh.

I have to touch his face again. I reach my hand up and run my fingers across his cheek to the back of his neck. With no warning I dive in, pulling our mouths together for a violent kiss. He makes a noise of shock and to my own delight his mouth opens. Maybe some part of him does remember this.

I seized his waist feeling how slender he is under those clothes, and a sudden image of Stefan nude runs through my mind. Today was just full of surprises.

I pull our lips apart, a smacking noise echos through the air, “I didn’t get to say this before but you have the softest skin,” I sound like a fucking sap.

“What?” He looks like he’s drunk as he tries to pull his mind back together. He doesn’t fight or try to pull back, which I am grateful to know that at least he’s honest with me.

“Make sure you get lots of sleep, and don’t lose it alright,” I give him a smile and leave him to recompose himself. We’d have plenty of time to get to know this side of each other, and I didn’t want to push my luck. 

The next thing I knew he was running up to me on the street. Everything in me told me to ask him how Bandersnatch was going, but I pressed on, trying to explore more of these secret’s Stefan was holding inside, “What brings you here?”

Stefan looked tired, even though I told him to sleep, “Bandersnatch isn’t going well,” He said bitterly, the narrative still running its course.

“No, I mean, why are you in South End?” 

“Oh,” His face becomes pained, “No reason.” I’ve known him long enough to see the lie there. For all I knew he was out here looking for his next victim.

“Listen, no need to be a stranger,” I got closer, “I think we should get to know each other a little better.” 

“Well… My Dad’s upset that I spend all my time working… so he tried to take me to my therapist’s office… and I ran,” that was unexpected as well. I was shocked he even had a therapist, she was obviously shit at her job.

“Well that sounds like a fucking hassle,” I shrug taking a drink of my Cola, “You need a break,” I wrap my arm around his shoulder. 

“What? Where are we going?” He follows me up into my apartment. I skip introducing him to Kit, he doesn’t need to know that bit about me anymore. 

Once again we sat across from one another. This time I asked Kit to pick up a few things at the store. She almost fought with me about it, but as far as I know, that was just another example of the universe trying to keep her on the path.

Stefan looked incredibly nervous so I broke the tension, “You really don’t like your dad then?” He scrunched his face in confusion, “I mean, he seems to be nose deep in your business.”

Stefan shrugs, “Yeah I mean… He’s worried about me is all…”

“Because you are overworking yourself?” I already knew that he would, I was just hoping my advice would stick.

“Well… I mean…” He looked really uncomfortable, but I had unlearned patience during my time in the hole.

“I want to know more about you Stefan, please.”

“He’s been nervous ever since I… did something really stupid last year…”

“What did you do?”

“I tried to hang myself…” I nearly choked on my own saliva, “It didn’t work… obviously… I…” He laughed a little, “It was in our attic, and the board broke, and I ended up being crushed with a bunch of old boxes,” He took a quick gulp of his tea.

“Why did you try to hang yourself?” I was being blunt, I knew it at the time too.

“I dunno… sort of always hated myself… My mom died and my dad didn’t talk about it much so I never really processed it…” He looked out the window, chuckling to himself, “I found Bandersnatch in one of those boxes.”

I tried to analyze his face to see where he was emotionally. Everything sort of fell into place with this discovery, “I don’t think there is anything wrong with that... being upset because someone you love died… a lot of people act like it's a bad thing to talk about death… But it's not a social faux pas to acknowledge that it’s sad.”

Stefan smiled. A relieved smile. I could tell that was something he might’ve needed to hear. There was a pause as he took a drink of his tea, before I could see him fidgeting again.

“Is something else on your mind?”

“Well… There’s been something I’ve been wanting to ask you.”

This should be interesting, “Ask away.”

“When we first met, you kissed me,” Stefan looked uncomfortable just saying the word kiss, “Why?”

I inhaled and tried to find a way to say the reason why without having to explain more, “Because I wanted to see what you would do.”

It seemed to make him more confused, but he didn’t want to press it. I felt like saying more, “If I see something beautiful I don’t see a problem with admitting it’s beautiful.”

Stefan laughed uncomfortably looking away quickly, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“I’m saying you’re beautiful Stefan,” I smirked, being cruel again without realizing it.

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

Stefan looked conflicted with himself for a moment, before standing up and walking over to my side of the room. I looked up at him, morbidly curious where this was going. He stood in front of me before leaning down to press his lips to mine. He soon knelt on the floor giving me a better angle to wander his mouth with my tongue. 

He was making soft noises in the back of his throat that I had never imagined before. He was so new and exciting again, something I had selfishly missed.

There was a loud noise from the doorway or clattering plastic hitting the ground, “What the fuck?” Kit had come back, and the groceries were now on the floor, “What the fuck is this?”

Stefan had scrambled back against the coffee table, looking absolutely terrified.

“Who the fuck is this,” She sounded like she was panicking.

“This is Stefan,” I stated calmly, her opinion in this timeline was a moot point.

“I’m Stefan,” he parroted after me.

“Well Stefan, what the fuck are you doing with my husband?” 

Stefan’s mouth dropped open looking back at me as though I had an explanation for my behavior. He would get it eventually.

“I’m sorry I should go,” He got up, grabbing his jacket and practically cowering as he walked past Kit.

She looked back at me arms wide open, looking for an answer. Once Stefan was out I opened my mouth, “He’s a guy I work with.”

She didn’t like my answer, “What the fuck has been up with you? You have not been yourself at all lately, it’s like I hardly know you, and then I come home to see you with another….”

“Man?” I finished her sentence.

She let out a defeated laugh, “I’m going to stay with my mum,” She walked into the living room, I could hear her gathering Pearl’s things. Another interesting development. She would be back again so I didn’t even wave her goodbye.

That night I let myself imagine what Stefan would look like if he were in my bed with me. If we had sex, would he behave like a woman. Face all red and mouth open wide moaning wantonly. It made me hard to my surprise, and I let myself run with it. 

I imagined him sucking me off, cheeks all hollowed out and mouth wet and bruised from friction. He probably wouldn’t put up much resistance towards an offer like that. For fucks sake I probably could have called him up right then and shared these ideas with him. 

He looked so small. Naked, he probably wouldn’t be much different from a woman. It wouldn’t be so insane to use this situation for experimental sex. If I would be reliving this for the rest of eternity I might as well try.

The next time I saw Stefan was on delivery day, He was stiff and awkward and to no surprise the game was unfinished. Thakur moved the deadline and left us alone together.

“I’m sorry if Kit made you uncomfortable,” I started for him. He was too busy cowering in his seat.

“I wouldn’t’ve kissed you if I knew you had a wife,” He bit out.

“I don’t,” I didn’t care, and I wanted to sound like it.

He looked at me piecing it together in his head, “I’m so sorry.”

“I wanted you to kiss me actually,” I stated plainly, “I find you very fucking sexy,” I was getting more bold while Stefan stayed the same level of unsure.

His cheeks got red, and I could see him grinding his teeth.

“Could you answer a question for me?” He didn’t give me any kind of response, but I continued, “If I asked you to suck me off right now would you?”

Stefan’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head before he exploded with rage, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You think just because I like your games you have every right to know about my personal life and that I’ll just fucking…” He couldn’t finish his sentence, but he had charged up to me, face inches away from mine and burning red. Part of me hoped he would sock me in the face.

“I don’t think you will, I just want to see if you will,” I remained calm, seeing how being an asshole really made people react out of character.

“You’re fucking insane, I can’t believe I was stupid enough to go over to your apartment!” 

I stood up, “Did you not enjoy me kissing you then? Be honest.”

He did actually try to slap me, but I caught his arm. Something in me gave, and I started furiously snogging him. It wasn’t a surprise that Stefan returned more violently with a bite to my lip. I just kept going, my hand wandering down his back and under his shirt. He started shaking, kissing back with little gasps.

I was pushing him back until we found the table. Oh god with a few more seconds I would’ve had that bulge out of his pants, but the universe really didn’t want this to happen between us. For the second time we were interrupted. 

Thakur just stood there mid drink of his coffee. It probably looked insane to him, two guys snogging in the office, Stefan’s shirt was half way up his torso and my lips were bruised to shit.

“Jesus Christ,” Thakur didn’t sound surprised, he sounded exhausted, “Don’t do this shit here Colin. For fuck’s sake. This is an office, not some kind of new wave brothel alright?” He didn’t even scold Stefan. Did he assume I was gay from the beginning?

Thakur gave up and walked off, shaking his head with disappointment and maybe a hint of disgust.

Stefan pushed me off so violently I wondered how someone so skinny could be so strong, “Are you trying to ruin my fucking life?!” He screamed, like for the first time I actually heard him scream.

I didn’t answer I just shook my head in frustration, I was still annoyingly hard, “Stay the fuck away from me,” He grabbed his things and stormed out of the studio. I wasn’t doing so well at this.

It felt time for a do over. It was annoying, but at least I knew a tiny bit more about Stefan. It was some progress so throwing myself off the roof felt bitter sweet.

“What’s this, Kaja goo goo?” Thakur was always the funny one. 

“I’m Colin, yeah?” I sighed as I offered Stefan my hand but he didn’t take it. I looked up to see him glaring at me. 

“His latest is Metalhead, it’s going to be a fucking hit man!” Thakur enthused.

Stefan continued to glare, “Really... Never heard of it.” 

I felt my stomach drop. He fucking remembered. And why of all times would he get to remember this.

“Well he’s only the most popular developer this side of the equator,” Thakur still kept prattling on in vain.

“We’ll see about that,” Stefan was fucking threatening me… with a smile. 

Thakur could sense the tension, “Alright… Why don’t you show me what you have?”

I watched, stupefied as he was taken back to pitch his game. I could see that burning hatred in his eyes as he took his seat and Thakur closed the door. I nearly burnt myself with my cigarette ashes as I was frozen in place.

Normal Stefan would kill just because he was a little stressed, but vengeful Stefan was all new territory… The fear subsided and I couldn’t help but smile to myself, it seemed like a fourth option had arrived.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> More in Chapter 2! Thank you for getting to the end!!!


End file.
